This from the Connecticut Post:

BRIDGEPORT -- A former Fairfield special education teacher, arrested for allegedly removing the shirt of an autistic 6-year-old girl and forcing the girl to sit partially naked in the classroom, has agreed to take anger-management classes in exchange for the state dropping criminal charges against her.

Elizabeth Valeriay, who resigned as a special education teacher at the Dwight Elementary School in Fairfield after the incident, has arranged to take the classes with a Guilford therapist.

Valeriay, 55, of Madison, was charged with cruelty to persons for the incident last Oct. 6.

Assistant State's Attorney Craig Nowak said he agreed to nolle or drop the charge against Valeriay after the girl's parents didn't object.

"The girl's father said he only called police because he didn't think the town was doing enough," Nowak said. "The girl's father said he didn't want her prosecuted, but wanted to make sure she had some kind of anger-management program," he said. "My main concern was the child and her parents."

Under a nolle, the state can revive its prosecution within 13 months. After that time, if no action is taken the case is dismissed.

The charge was filed against Valeriay over an incident that took place during a one-on-one instructional session with the girl. The girl had become preoccupied by the stripes on her shirt, according to police, but after ignoring Valeriay's instruction to stop, pulled off the girl's shirt in the classroom and forced her to sit topless in the classroom for more than 15 minutes. The window shades were open at the time.

One paraprofessional heard Valeriay tell the girl, "If you keep stimming on your shirt, I'm going to rip it right off of your body," police said. They said a special education trainer recalled hearing the girl scream for her shirt to be returned. When the witness entered the classroom to see what was going on she saw the girl sitting topless and crying while Valeriay stood nearby, police said.

Prior to her resignation, Valeriay signed an agreement with the town promising not to take legal action against the town in exchange for undisclosed monetary benefits.

This from Radio New Zealand International:

American Samoa's Vice Speaker Laolagi Savali Vaeao has been been placed on six months probation and ordered to undergo anger management counseling.

The sentence was handed down by Judge John Ward after Laolagi pleaded no contest to a charge of disturbing the peace .

The charge arose from an incident in Nuuuli last month when a woman alleged that Laolagi after nearly running her over at a cross walk, choked her and pressed her mouth.

In court, Laolagi said if he could turn back time, he would have handled the situation differently.

He said as a lawmaker, paramount chief, former teacher, a husband and father of four he should set a good example.

I'm not much of a golfer. Ok, actually I'm not a golfer at all; I've had to really work to maintain my patience the few times I played. Whether you love or hate golf I think you'll be able to relate to this:

http://www.worldgolf.com/newswire/browse/58900-Charlie-King-WorldGolfcom-premier-Anger-Management

Wishing you a happy and anger free Sunday!!

Question to Ponder:

For many of us, anger is an attempt to regain control or power over a situation. But does it really do that or in becoming angry are we giving our power to the other person because we are in essence saying "you have the ability to control my emotions"?

Does Forgiveness Work?

In a word, yes! To give one example. A study conducted by research psychologists Suzanne Freedman and Robert Enright involved 12 women who were survivors of childhood incest. All were anxious, depressed and suffering from low self esteem before beginning the study. The participants were divided into two groups of six. One group received training on forgiving their perpetrator and the other received no training at all. After completing the training, all six women in the forgiveness group reported less depression and anxiety on average and their sense of hopefulness increased. All six were able to forgive the perpetrator in one fashion or another.

Signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include:

Replaying what upset you over and over in your mind

Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're wallowing in self-pity

Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you
Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights

Often feeling misunderstood

Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain

Having symptoms of depression or anxiety

A desire for revenge or punishment

Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations

Regretting the loss of a valued relationship

Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose

Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs

Forgiving begins with acknowledging that you are a person who has a right to be treated with respect. It does not require denying your feelings. We don’t have to forget in order to forgive. Forgiveness does not produce amnesia.
Lets take a quick look at some common misconceptions of what forgiveness is about

FORGIVING DOES NOT MEAN

Condoning or Excusing
When you condone, you are in essence telling yourself that you deserved being wronged. But as I said a moment ago the opposite is true - the purpose of forgiveness is to actually acknowledge that a hurt or an injustice occurred; it says that you are someone of value who did not deserve for this to happen in the first place.

Forgetting
Recall that our brains are designed to remember painful experiences so that we know how to avoid danger and live to see another day. As I said a moment ago, forgiveness does not produce amnesia. Forgiveness will, however, change the way you remember the past. You will control it instead of it controlling you. And, more importantly, it will change how you deal with your future.
Forgiveness Is Related to But Different Than Reconciliation
Reconciliation is when two people come back together. You can reunite, but not forgive. I have seen many couples who had separated and then gotten back together for the sake of the kids (never a good move, btw). On the surface they had reconciled, but because neither had forgiven the other for the sins of the past they had not truly reconciled. These couples live in two worlds in one house. One never truly reconciles without some form of forgiveness taking place. If the offender remains unrepentant then true reconciliation can never occur.

he first person that forgiveness changes is the one doing the forgiving, not the one being forgiven.

How’s that? People often think of their anger as a way of keeping the one who hurt them in a kind of emotional prison. As long as they held onto the anger and bitterness, the wrongdoer stays in jail. But when you really stop and think about it, the only one who is really in an emotional prison is you. More often than not, the person you are pissed at is either unaware, doesn’t care or simply don’t give it as much thought as you. Meanwhile, you walk around stewing and obsessing over the wrong that was done to you. Your anger ends up affecting you more than the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness is the key to unlocking the prison door. There is not some automatic “click” that sets you free. You must choose to walk out of that cell. Some have lived with the label of “victim” for so long that it’s become part of them. They’d rather live in the cell because at least they know what to expect there. Forgiveness requires you to step outside and into the future.

There are two types of forgiveness. The first is forgiveness for the past that might be contributing to the way you view the world now. Many people who have been abused or neglected by their parents, picked on by other kids growing up, hurt by a love relationship gone bad, lost something or someone due to an accident or act of violence by another hold on to these hurts and allow them to shape their world view. They no longer trust and these types of hurt impact almost every relationship in their lives.

The second type of forgiveness is for things that may be happening in the present or very recently. Your spouse did something to upset you, you think of one of the people you work with doesn’t pull his or her own weight, your neighbor doesn’t keep his or her yard up the way everyone else does in the neighborhood. These types of hurts have huge impact upon how you view the other and how you interact with them. This is especially true with couples where old wounds pile upon one another until its hard for you to see the good in your partner because you haven’t forgiven him or her for all the “bad stuff” that he or she has done.
Forgiveness is important because when we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of our lives suffer. We are the ones who pay the price over and over. We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can't enjoy the present.

Wishing you a happy and anger free Sunday.

Many children under the age of 10 display anger because they simply don't know how to express their frustrations any other way - they haven't developed the vocabulary or impulse control yet to do so otherwise. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to show their feelings.

To help him express his anger or any feelings in general, go to , print out the feelings chart on that page and post it somewhere where you child can see it.

A couple of times a day (especially when you sense your child is becoming frustrated or angry) ask him or her to show you what face on the chart s/he is feeling. When they point at it, say "oh your feeling _____" so that they begin to learn how to express what they are feeling. If they are able to read have them state the feeling. In either case, ask them whats making them feel that way. If its something uncomfortable have a talk with them about what might help them feel better.

Kids pick things up like sponges and if you do this twice a day with your child s/he will likely be able to spontaneously identify what s/he is feeling within a month. By talking with them about what might make them feel better you are teaching them how to think through their feelings and find ways to soothe themselves. Think about what a difference that could make in your child's life - it will become second nature to him or her and you will have kids that are not only tuned into their feelings, but who also know how to talk about them and how to figure out ways to soothe themselves. And all it takes is a couple minutes a day!!

Every one has heard of putting their kids into time out when their behavior is inappropriate. There is a unique twist that you can put on this technique when you are dealing with a child or teen who wants to be argumentative or engage in a power struggle with you - the reverse time out.

In the reverse time out, it is you that takes the time out when the child/teen is being argumentative. If you sense things are getting out of control say, "When you talk to me like this I need to take a time out. Let's talk about this later when you are calmer and can talk peaceably" , exit calmly and don't answer back. Consistency is critical here for the kids to get the message. I had one mom tell me that when she went into her bedroom she had to lock the door so that the child would not come in after her and try to engage. The child became even more enraged and kicked and screamed at the door. You can imagine the patience on the mom's part to not respond in some way. But she understood that doing so would only reinforce in her son's mind that that type of behavior would result in getting what he wanted - a shouting match with mom. Instead she saw him for what he was, an overgrown two year old having a tnatrum and she knew that if she hung in there eventually he would realize she menat business and run out of steam. And sure enough he did. It only took two more incidences for her child to learn she meant business when he acted that way and he has not acted out in over two years as of my last report from mom.

Yesterday we focused on teaching your child that there are consequences for his or her actions. Today, we'll focus on teaching them to experience compassion for others.

Its important to understand that depending on their age, temperament and the particular situation children of any age can be incredibly compassionate or seemingly oblivious to the feelings of others. Compassion is part innate and part learned so the more you can model compassion for your child the more you are able to capitalize on expanding that innate compassion.

You can teach your child compassion by openly discussing situations in which you feel compassion for another person as they occur. Let your kids know how you feel about it, and what you wish you could do to make it better for the person affected. And, if you can do something to make it better for them, do it. This shows your child that not only are you empathetic, but your compassion drives you to help others in need. You are the strongest role model for your kids; if you demonstrate compassion, especially when they are at a very young age it makes it very likely that they will internalize it and it will become a natural part of their personality.

The most effective way for both adults and children to remain calm is to develop a sense of empathy for the other person. This means being able to see the world through the other person's eyes. While there are some people out there who are just sociopathic and have no sense of concern for others, the vast majority of people we deal with in our everyday lives are just like us; trying to survive and get by. Except maybe they aren't very good at communicating. Or maybe we aren't listening very well. Or both. Teaching your kids empathy makes it a natural thing for them to do when they become adults. There are several ways to do teach empathy to children and we will spend the next few postings looking at these different techniques.

Today we are going to look at how to teach cause and effect. One of the most important ways to teach empathy is to consistently show your child that for every cause there is an effect - meaning, if the neighbor says that your son bullied another kid its your job to provide consequences for this action. Discipline is a great way to teach empathy because children realize that if they do something that was mean, rude or inconsiderate they will have to suffer a consequence for it. Depending on the age of your child and what s/he did this can range from time out to having a privilege taken away to being grounded. Be sure to make the crime fit the punishment and is appropriate for your child's age. For example, if your eight year old tried to bully another child, grounding him or her for a week is a fitting punishment. But if your three year old tried to take the toy of another child and say it was his/hers recognize that a) while undesirable, its not an unusual thing for a three year old to do and b) three year olds don't have the attention span to recognize the effect of being grounded for a week but do understand a three to five minute time out. Consistency is vital on your part, if you punish half the time and let your child get away with no consequences the other half all that s/he will learn is that there is only a 50-50 chance that they will pay a price for doing something mean or selfish to another. What kind of message do you think that will give them to take into adulthood?

This is the second in a series of postings looking at how to teach your children anger management. Yesterday we talked about modeling coolness and today we'll talk about helping kids identify their anger triggers. Instead of teaching by example as with modeling coolness this will be the first step in how to actively teach your child anger management skills.

As with adults, kids typically get mad over the same few anger triggers over and over again. Ask your child "What situations make you angry?" The answer will vary from not fitting in with the other kids to being told what to do. Then, ask them what they do when that makes them angry and REALLY listen to what they say. Finally talk about the pros and cons of the responding that way to a situation, try to get them to talk about specific situations. Ask them if they thought they used the best strategy to deal with the situation. Talk this over with them, come up with your own idea if you think you may have a better one. Role play with him or her so that they will be rehearsed when it comes up in real life.

Wishing you a peaceful and anger free Sunday! And may the Redskins wipe the floor with the Giants!!

This is the first in a series of posts that will look at how to teach your kids bow to manage their anger.

The most effective way to teach you kids how to deal with their anger is to model Coolness. Research has shown that the best way to teach anyone anything is through modeling. Especially kids, they look to how we deal with life as examples of how they are supposed to deal with it.

Because of this you can use upsetting experiences as "as it happens lessons" of ways to calm down. Here's an example: suppose your furnace breaks down and the repairman gives you one estimate that seems reasonable only to get halfway through the job and all of sudden say that things are much worse than he originally thought and that your estimate has now doubled. You're furious! Standing nearby is your child hearing the conversation and watching you very closely. Muster every ounce of calmness and use it as an instant anger control lesson: "I am so angry right now," you calmly tell your child. "The repairman just doubled the price for fixing our furnace." Then offer a calm-down solution: "I'm going on a quick walk so I can get back in control." You're now a living example of calmness, and that example is what your child will emulate.

One thing you will hear me say over and over is that there is a difference between anger and aggression and that anger is something that can be used in a productive fashion or in an aggressive or destructive fashion. In fact, it would probably be more accurate to call most anger management courses aggression management courses. Anger is the emotion; aggression is the action be it yelling or becoming threatening or physical. The reason I am thinking about this today is because of a headline that caught my eye "Senator Dodd says Public Anger Helped Fuel Passing of Credit Card Bill". It seems that so many people were angered about getting gouged by their credit card companies that they continuously wrote their congressmen demanding action and, lo and behold, it worked!! This is why I place such a strong emphasis on communication skills in my course, you can learn to calm yourself but if you can't learn how to express yourself in a way that will cause people to listen and take action you will either spend most of your time trying to calm yourself or you will not be able to control your anger/aggression.

One thing you will hear me say over and over again is that anger is a protective response to a perceived hurt or threat. And who better to show us how this works in action than Dr. Evil?


www.youtube.com

Sometimes group therapy for anger can be an amazing healing experience. Other times not so much:

www.youtube.com

This video shows just how effective giving someone the exact opposite of the response they were expecting can be:

www.youtube.com

Wishing you a happy and anger free Labor Day weekend!!

Sometimes video clips illustrate things much better than words ever could:

youtube.com

Another video post today. One of the most stressful things to do is offer criticism. Good criticism is offered much like good coaching, its positive with the idea of helping someone improve. Unfortunately, for most of us the only training we receive on offering criticism is from our parents when we are in trouble and we continue to use this model in one form or another as adults. My anger management class offers step by step instructions on how to criticize others in a way they will listen to and actually like you for the advice. Here is a video that breaks just about every rule on how to offer criticism. It might feel a little too familiar to some of you :)

Youtube.com

Here's one of my favorite scenes from the movie "Anger Management":


Its great because a) its really funny and b) it illustrates how powerful doing something that is both distracting and silly can calm you down in just two minutes when you are feeling stressed, angry or agitated. This is because the part of your brain that controls emotions thinks that whatever you focus on is really happening so if you keep chewing on the thing that upset you in the first place you will stay angry. Matter of fact you might even get more angry. But if you interrupt the thought pattern with something that distracts you, preferably something fun or silly you will find yourself calming down in a matter of moments.

Passive Aggressive Behavior is the exact opposite of Rage Disorder. There is no doubt when someone with a rage disorder is angry. People who use this defense mechanism are masters at expressing their anger or need for control in ways that, while infuriating, make it impossible for you to confront them in a healthy or direct fashion. They always have a seemingly innocent alibi which allows them to protest their innocence.

Passive Aggression is a defense mechanism used to protect a very fragile sense of self. The paradox of someone with this disorder is that they want to be loved, but because their sense of self is so fragile they have a fear of losing themselves in an intimate relationship. They often times grew up in a very rigid and controlling household in which expressing their true selves was discouraged and they learned the only way to express their feelings was through indirect means.

Signs of Passive Aggressive Behavior

Cathy Meyer of About.com has identified 9 traits of the Passive Aggressive:


• Ambiguity: Actions speak louder than words when it comes to how ambiguous people who use this anger style can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a someone who uses this defense feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

• Forgetfulness: Responsibility is often avoided by forgetting. How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

• Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. Everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

• Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! People with this disorder may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

• Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.

• Fear of Intimacy: Trust is a major issue. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. They can have sex with you but rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

• Obstructionism: If you want something from your spouse you should get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

• Victimization: A hallmark of this anger style is a sense of being treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

•Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

Directly confronting a person who expresses his or her anger in this fashion is often a fruitless endeavor which leaves you feeling more frustrated than you were to begin with. There will always be what they view as a plausible excuse for their behavior and may try to turn the table on you by implying that you are overly sensitive.

Passive aggressives often complain that they are being held to unreasonable standards. They will avoid responsibility for any problems in a relationship. If forced to deal with problems in the relationship they are likely to withdraw from you.